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Intimate Worlds: How Families Thrive and Why They Fail, by Maggie Scarf
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"Scarf knows the intricacies of the family structure and, even better, knows how to write well about them. In Intimate Worlds, as in most of our lives, family is riveting, white-knuckle stuff."
--The Washington Post Book World
In Intimate Worlds, bestselling author Maggie Scarf takes on the most important, and most universal, subject of her distinguished career: the family. As the first social organization that we each encounter, the family is where we learn the most fundamental and enduring lessons of our lives. Yet for too many, those lessons turn out to be painful, perplexing, and emotionally crippling. In this luminous, beautifully written book, Scarf brilliantly examines the complex ways in which families create their own intimate rules and patterns of interaction, and how by understanding these dynamics we can each improve the quality of our own family life.
At the book's core are the stories of four fascinating families and the very different ways they enact the central issues of family life: power and intimacy; conflict and love; individuality and group identification. Spanning the spectrum of family health from dysfunctional through optimal, these families grapple with serious substance abuse, sexual problems, difficulties with attachment and nurturance, eating disorders, and buried resentments that surface generation after generation. As Maggie Scarf probes the motives and meanings of these compelling dramas, she reveals the essential truths of how families shape human identity. Combining lucid analysis with warm human understanding, Intimate Worlds is a major work that both clarifies and deepens our knowledge of family relationships.
"Wrought with care and commitment, it is meticulously researched and will, I think, serve as a valuable resource for families struggling to understand themselves."
--Los Angeles Times
- Sales Rank: #440130 in Books
- Published on: 1997-02-11
- Released on: 1997-02-11
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.50" h x 1.00" w x 5.50" l, 1.44 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 508 pages
- ISBN13: 9780345406675
- Condition: New
- Notes: BRAND NEW FROM PUBLISHER! 100% Satisfaction Guarantee. Tracking provided on most orders. Buy with Confidence! Millions of books sold!
From Scientific American
Scarf knows the intricacies of the family structure and, even better, knows how to write well about them. In Intimate Worlds, as in most of our lives, family is riveting, white-knuckle stuff.
Review
Intimate Worlds tackles questions that arise repeatedly on the analyst's couch, in the family therapist's office and among close friends commiserating about unhappiness in their lives. Why did I marry a man just like my father, who belittled me and never gave me support? Why, when I discipline my children, do I hear my mother's voice coming out of my mouth? Why is everyone in my family always yelling at one another? And why in some families are self-destructive scenarios acted out, generation after generation, as if they have been imprinted into the family gene pool? -- The New York Times Book Review, Sandra Blakeslee
From the Inside Flap
"Scarf knows the intricacies of the family structure and, even better, knows how to write well about them. In Intimate Worlds, as in most of our lives, family is riveting, white-knuckle stuff."
--The Washington Post Book World
In Intimate Worlds, bestselling author Maggie Scarf takes on the most important, and most universal, subject of her distinguished career: the family. As the first social organization that we each encounter, the family is where we learn the most fundamental and enduring lessons of our lives. Yet for too many, those lessons turn out to be painful, perplexing, and emotionally crippling. In this luminous, beautifully written book, Scarf brilliantly examines the complex ways in which families create their own intimate rules and patterns of interaction, and how by understanding these dynamics we can each improve the quality of our own family life.
At the book's core are the stories of four fascinating families and the very different ways they enact the central issues of family life: power and intimacy; conflict and love; individuality and group identification. Spanning the spectrum of family health from dysfunctional through optimal, these families grapple with serious substance abuse, sexual problems, difficulties with attachment and nurturance, eating disorders, and buried resentments that surface generation after generation. As Maggie Scarf probes the motives and meanings of these compelling dramas, she reveals the essential truths of how families shape human identity. Combining lucid analysis with warm human understanding, Intimate Worlds is a major work that both clarifies and deepens our knowledge of family relationships.
"Wrought withcare and commitment, it is meticulously researched and will, I think, serve as a valuable resource for families struggling to understand themselves."
--Los Angeles Times
Most helpful customer reviews
19 of 20 people found the following review helpful.
Psychotic, Neurotic and Individuating Families
By Stephanie Silva
What you may have long suspected, the research shows to be true: A good 70% of families in America are what is now popularly known as "dysfunctional" or worse; Intimate Worlds should be required reading for . . . . anyone in a family, that fundamental blueprint for life and society, for better or worse. Scarf poignantly shows how most of us could use a revised or entirely new blueprint to authentically thrive in life and pass healthy boundaries and life and relationship skills on to emotionally stable children. Psychoanalytically and sweetly eloquent, the dustcover flap (somewhat paraphrased below) says it well. A highly recommended landmark work.
~~ Scarf explores the many factors that go into the formation and functioning of a family, showing us the ways in which families actually operate, and how family life can be improved. She combines clear analysis with unforgettable stories about real families to expose the core issues that every family must deal with: power and how to manage it; intimacy and how to achieve it; conflict and how to resolve it; individuality and how to become wholly oneself while retaining a sense of belonging.
She outlines the five structural blueprints that characterize most families' patterns of being and relating, taking us inside intimate family worlds at each of these five levels of health and development [as described by the superb Beavers Systems Model Scale]:
A destructive dysfunctional family, typified by lies, secrets, chaos, doublespeak, confusion and powerlessness.
A borderline family, where minimum order over chaos is maintained by a petty tyrant.
A midrange family [60% of families], where life is somewhat productive yet "close, loyal" members are controlled from within by an internalized guilt-producing abuser holding members prisoner inside "a good family" and anyone else "different and bad" and "threatening" outside of it.
An adequately productive but ultimately enmeshed midrange family.
An optimal family, where flexibility and reality-based coherence flow in honest, individuating balance for all deeply authentic, highly individual and independent yet authentically intimate unique members -- who take great joy and delight in each other's unique personalities and achievements, glasses half full not half empty.
Changing unproductive and destructive patterns is the goal of the illuminating insights and exercises Scarf presents. ~~
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
Five Stars
By William Marcavage
received as expected book was in great condition
4 of 8 people found the following review helpful.
THOUGHT-PROVOKING
By Amazon Customer
Ms. Scarf presented various case studies of families in various orders of emotional disarray and distress, and provides solutions to patterns that develop in families. Her categories are helpful and she makes us rethink our behavior in the family setting- how are we hurting the ones we love?
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